By The Potty Mouth Granny

There is something deeply disturbing happening in the Black dating community, and I think it’s time we had an uncomfortable conversation about it.

I’m talking about the growing visibility of Black incel culture, the manosphere, and the increasingly hostile attitudes toward Black women that have found a home on social media.

Now, before somebody gets their draws in a tizzy, let me make something perfectly clear: Not every lonely Black man is an incel, and not every Black man struggling with dating hates Black women.

But there is a particular kind of man who has taken his romantic disappointments, sexual frustrations, and personal insecurities and turned them into an entire ideology built around resentment toward women.

And Black women, especially independent, educated, financially stable, and outspoken Black women, frequently find themselves in the crosshairs.

What makes this especially troubling is how these attitudes can poison the dating environment for everybody, including Black men who genuinely want healthy, loving relationships.

What Exactly Is an Incel?

The term incel is short for “involuntary celibate.” Originally, it described people who wanted romantic or sexual relationships but struggled to find them.

However, certain online incel communities have transformed that experience into something far more sinister.

Within these communities, rejection is often interpreted as oppression, women’s autonomy is viewed as an injustice, and romantic relationships are treated as something men are entitled to rather than something two consenting adults mutually choose.

And that’s where the problem begins.

Nobody owes anybody sex, affection, companionship, marriage, or access to their body.

Not men. Not women. Nobody.

But within misogynistic incel ideology, a woman’s right to choose her romantic partners becomes evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with women themselves.

Rather than examining their own behavior, expectations, emotional maturity, or relationship skills, some men conclude that women are the problem.

And when that resentment is filtered through the particular racial and historical experiences of Black Americans, it takes on another dimension.

The Black Manosphere and the Business of Resentment

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

The Black manosphere.

Across YouTube, TikTok, podcasts, Facebook, and other platforms, there are content creators who have built audiences by telling Black men that Black women are undesirable, masculine, combative, entitled, hypergamous, and responsible for the breakdown of the Black family.

Some of these men have turned insulting Black women into a business model.

They discuss women’s weight, hair, education, sexual histories, fertility, income, and age as though women are merchandise sitting on a clearance rack.

They assign women numerical ratings. They talk about women hitting an imaginary wall at thirty. They claim educated women are difficult to control and that financially independent women have no respect for men.

And Lord have mercy, don’t let a Black woman announce that she’s happily single.

Suddenly, she’s bitter, lonely, masculine, damaged, or destined to die surrounded by cats.

As though living peacefully with a cat is somehow worse than living miserably with a man.

But I digress.

The most disturbing part of this culture is that it often disguises misogyny as relationship advice.

It tells men that disrespecting women is masculine, emotional vulnerability is weakness, and dominance is the foundation of a successful relationship.

What it rarely teaches is how to communicate, resolve conflict, develop emotional intelligence, or become a loving partner.

And those are the very skills necessary to sustain a relationship.

When Black Women Become the Scapegoats

Historically, Black women have carried enormous responsibilities within their families and communities.

They have worked, raised children, supported extended families, pursued education, and navigated the consequences of racism and sexism.

Yet somehow, within certain corners of the Black manosphere, Black women are blamed for practically every problem facing Black America.

The decline of marriage?

Black women’s fault.

Fatherlessness?

Black women’s fault.

Men struggling financially?

Black women’s unrealistic standards.

Men experiencing romantic rejection?

Black women have become too independent.

At some point, we have to ask a serious question.

When does personal accountability enter the conversation?

Because it cannot always be somebody else’s fault.

This doesn’t mean Black women are above criticism. Nobody is. Women can be selfish, cruel, emotionally unavailable, manipulative, and terrible romantic partners, just like men.

But criticism of individual behavior is entirely different from constructing an ideology that portrays an entire group of women as defective.

And that’s precisely what makes this culture so destructive.

The Obsession With Submission

One of the most frequently repeated words in these conversations is submission.

Some men insist that Black women don’t know how to submit, and that this supposed failure explains why so many relationships are unsuccessful.

But submit to what, exactly?

A man’s judgment? His authority? His income? His ego?

And what happens when his judgment is poor, his behavior is irresponsible, or his expectations are unreasonable?

A healthy relationship requires cooperation, trust, accountability, and mutual respect.

It doesn’t require one adult to surrender her autonomy to another.

There is nothing inherently wrong with couples choosing traditional gender roles if both people genuinely want that arrangement.

The problem arises when those roles are demanded rather than negotiated.

Love is not a dictatorship.

And a woman disagreeing with a man does not automatically make her disrespectful.

Sometimes she’s simply right.

Imagine that.

How Incel Culture Is Affecting Dating

Here’s where things become particularly complicated.

Dating already requires vulnerability. Two people must take emotional risks, communicate their intentions, establish trust, and accept the possibility of rejection.

Now introduce an ideology that encourages men to distrust women before they even meet them.

What happens?

A first date becomes an interrogation.

Instead of learning about a woman’s personality, values, interests, and aspirations, a man may begin evaluating whether she fits the stereotypes he’s absorbed online.

What About Black Men Who Are Genuinely Lonely?

Does she make too much money?

Is she too educated?

Does she have children?

Is she too independent?

Will she submit?

Is she a feminist?

And heaven forbid she has opinions.

Meanwhile, women who have encountered hostile attitudes may approach dating with their own suspicions and emotional defenses.

The result can be two people sitting across from each other, not as potential partners, but as representatives of opposing sides in an imaginary gender war.

That’s not romance.

That’s a damn hostage negotiation with appetizers.

And nobody wins.

1. It creates unnecessary hostility

When men repeatedly consume content portraying women as enemies, it can become harder to approach relationships with openness and goodwill.

Women, in turn, may become increasingly cautious about men who repeat these ideas.

2. It encourages transactional relationships

Rather than emphasizing companionship and emotional intimacy, some manosphere rhetoric reduces relationships to exchanges involving money, sex, beauty, youth, and status.

Men become wallets.

Women become bodies.

And genuine human connection gets lost somewhere in the middle.

3. It punishes female independence

Some men interpret a woman’s financial independence as a threat because it means she is less likely to remain in an unhealthy relationship out of economic necessity.

But independence doesn’t mean a woman cannot love a man.

It means she has the freedom to choose him.

And personally, I would think being wanted rather than needed would be a beautiful thing.

4. It discourages men from seeking emotional support

Male loneliness is real.

So are men’s struggles with rejection, isolation, economic insecurity, and mental health.

But telling lonely men that women are responsible for their suffering doesn’t solve those problems.

It can deepen their isolation by replacing self-reflection with resentment.

A man who needs friendship, community, counseling, or emotional support is not helped by being told that women are his enemies.

He deserves something better than that.

Racism, Masculinity, and the Pressure to Feel Powerful

We also cannot discuss Black male resentment without acknowledging the broader social environment.

Black men have historically faced discrimination in employment, housing, education, and the criminal justice system.

These structural inequalities can affect economic security, social status, and personal identity.

And in a society that frequently measures masculinity through income, authority, and the ability to provide, financial instability can become deeply personal.

But here’s where things get complicated.

Some men respond to feelings of powerlessness by seeking power over women.

Instead of challenging the systems that contribute to their frustrations, they direct their anger toward the women closest to them.

That response is not unique to Black men, and it certainly does not describe all Black men.

But it is a pattern worth examining within misogynistic online spaces.

Because oppression does not give anybody permission to become an oppressor.

And experiencing racism does not excuse practicing sexism.

Black liberation cannot mean freedom for Black men while Black women are expected to remain subordinate.

That’s not liberation.

That’s simply rearranging the furniture in the same old house of oppression.

This is where I want to introduce some compassion into the conversation.

Because loneliness is not a character flaw.

There are Black men who genuinely desire love, marriage, companionship, and families but have struggled to find compatible partners.

Some are shy. Some have experienced painful breakups. Some are dealing with financial difficulties, insecurity, or limited social opportunities.

Others simply haven’t met the right person.

There is nothing shameful about any of that.

And being romantically unsuccessful does not automatically make someone misogynistic.

The distinction lies in how a person responds to disappointment.

A lonely man who says, “I’m struggling to find love, and I want to understand why,” is in a very different emotional place from a man who says, “Women are worthless because they won’t choose me.”

One is expressing vulnerability.

The other is expressing entitlement.

And confusing those two things prevents us from having meaningful conversations about men’s emotional well-being.

The Internet Has Made Everything Worse

Social media has given people unprecedented opportunities to connect.

Unfortunately, it has also created profitable markets for outrage, humiliation, and resentment.

A thoughtful conversation about healthy relationships might receive modest attention.

But a video calling Black women undesirable or claiming Black men are universally terrible partners?

That can generate arguments, reactions, shares, and endless engagement.

Anger sells.

And the more people consume this material, the easier it becomes to mistake online hostility for everyday reality.

The loudest voices begin to appear representative of an entire population.

But they aren’t.

Black men and Black women continue to love one another, build families, maintain friendships, and create meaningful partnerships outside these digital battlegrounds.

The internet doesn’t always reflect the world.

Sometimes it reflects the worst people in the loudest rooms.

Why Some Black Women Are Choosing to Remain Single

Something else deserves consideration.

When women repeatedly encounter disrespect, hostility, or expectations that require them to diminish themselves, some eventually decide that dating is no longer worth the emotional investment.

And that decision should not automatically be interpreted as bitterness.

For some women, remaining single is a conscious choice rooted in peace, independence, and personal fulfillment.

They have friendships, careers, children, grandchildren, hobbies, communities, and lives that do not revolve around obtaining a husband.

That doesn’t mean they hate men.

It means romantic partnership is not the sole measurement of a successful life.

And the more certain men insist that unmarried women are failures, the more they reveal how uncomfortable they are with women who don’t require their approval.

A woman who is content with her own company cannot easily be manipulated by threats of loneliness.

And perhaps that’s what makes her so threatening to people who believe women should fear being alone.

The Difference Between Wanting Love and Wanting Control

I believe this is the central issue.

Some people genuinely want companionship.

Others want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility of treating their partner as an equal human being.

They want loyalty without accountability.

Respect without reciprocity.

Sex without emotional intimacy.

Submission without demonstrating sound judgment.

And admiration without having to earn it.

But love doesn’t work that way.

You cannot insult an entire group of women every day and then wonder why those women are reluctant to date you.

You cannot tell women they have no value after a certain age and then complain that they don’t trust your intentions.

And you cannot build your entire identity around resentment and expect a healthy relationship to magically cure it.

A romantic partner is not a rehabilitation center for unresolved hatred.

Where Do We Go From Here?

If Black dating culture is going to become healthier, both men and women must be willing to reject the idea that relationships are competitions for power.

We need more conversations about emotional maturity, compatibility, communication, mutual respect, and accountability.

We need to stop treating marriage as proof of personal worth and singleness as evidence of failure.

We need to acknowledge the legitimate struggles of Black men without making Black women responsible for solving every one of them.

And we need to recognize that Black women have legitimate frustrations, too, without turning those frustrations into blanket condemnations of Black men.

Most importantly, we must stop allowing social media personalities to define what Black love is supposed to look like.

Because healthy relationships aren’t built in comment sections.

They’re built through everyday acts of kindness, honesty, patience, consideration, and trust.

And none of those qualities requires a podcast microphone.

Final Thoughts: Love Cannot Grow Where Contempt Lives

I have lived long enough to understand that being in a relationship and being loved are not necessarily the same thing.

You can share a bed with somebody and still feel profoundly alone.

You can have a wedding ring on your finger and still experience emotional neglect.

And you can be single, surrounded by books, family, friends, and yes, even a cat, and experience a beautiful sense of peace.

Black incel culture concerns me not because some Black men are lonely, but because certain online communities are teaching men to transform loneliness into contempt.

And contempt is poison to intimacy.

You cannot build a loving relationship with someone you fundamentally resent.

You cannot demand respect from people you routinely degrade.

And you cannot expect women to surrender their freedom simply because their independence makes you uncomfortable.

Black men deserve love, dignity, emotional support, and opportunities to build meaningful relationships.

Black women deserve those same things.

But nobody deserves ownership of another human being.

At the end of the day, the greatest threat to Black dating isn’t independent women, struggling men, feminism, or changing gender roles. It’s the growing belief that the opposite sex is an enemy to defeat rather than a human being to understand.

And until we confront that mentality, far too many people will continue searching for love while carrying around the very hatred that makes finding it so difficult.

Because love requires vulnerability.

Love requires respect.

And above all, love requires recognizing another person’s humanity.

You cannot hate somebody into loving you.

And that’s something no amount of podcasting, finger-pointing, or internet foolishness is ever going to change.

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The Potty Mouth Granny

Black love deserves better than a gender war. And so do we.